1/31/05

Back! 10 days away and only 40 minutes of television. A good cleansing. Sadly, the 40 minutes were two 20-minute blocks of CNN Headline News. I'm not sure what Headline News is supposed to do, but I felt like I knew less after watching the segments than I did before. There were certainly things mentioned that informed me of something I didn't know, but they seemed devoid of context. For example, I heard there was a subway fire in New York City. The details weren't given, nor was any information about how it affected New Yorkers or the subway system. CNN also ran a feature on pregnancy and depression. This, too, contained some information. Women can get severely depressed during pregnancy. And there was a woman who experienced this herself. But I didn't feel they gave me info that made this information particularly relevant.

Of course, the banter between the newsreaders was chummy and they were decent looking in a non-threatening way. I did believe that the music themes introducing and ending segments were that belonging to a news broadcast. The super-imposed images put in the corner to help us undersand what the reader was talking about did seem to convince me they were talking about something. And the news-ticker at the bottom, well, I love it, though I don't remember anything that scrolled across the screen.

1/21/05

Ouch. Too much television. Brain hurts. Taking a break. Back in about a week.

1/20/05

1/17/05-1/20/05

Rough week. Can't stand to say much about the shows I saw.

Listen Up, CBS

Jason Alexander vehicle. He's George Costanza with a family.

Fresh Prince of Belair. Nick

The lame show that launched Will Smith.

Cosby Show, Nick

Jumped the shark several seasons ago

American Idol, Fox

Hopingn for a paradigm shift after William Hung? Hope some more.

Project Runway, Bravo

Fashion designer wannabe shootout. At least they were somewhat supportive of each other.

O1/17/05

01/16/05--Baltimore Colts vs. New England Patriots, CBS

This has been a huge year of football watching for me. This game was probably the best I’ve seen, and it looks like it will be the last of the season as well. Always good to go out on top.

The persistent snowfall in Foxboro, MA gave the images a dated feel. The snow itself seemed to slow down the players, which made things more intriguing to watch. It looked like no one could push as hard, turn or run as fast as they can on dry grass. Since I’m of the belief that they should play some Super Bowls outside in stadiums situated in parts of the US that get winter, it’s good to see good football come out of the bad weather. I think the fans dug it, too. Made it more of an event.

The other thing I really enjoyed about the game is that it appeared both teams were more inventive and varied with their games. The Patriots occasionally put five wide receivers in the game on first down. The Colts tried some trick plays, like snapping the ball to the running back. Both teams varied between huddle and no-huddle offenses and seemed to change their plays on the line. Keeps the fans guessing as well.

01/16/05

01/15/05--New York Jets vs. Pittsburgh Steelers, CBS

Why aren’t sports considered “reality” television? It’s an alternate reality, has hosts, and it’s filled with pumped up men and enhanced women. Maybe the problem is there isn’t enough humiliation or leech eating.

One of the nice things about watching the playoff games is that the commentary quality improved. Dan Dierdorf and Dick Enberg seemed to talk much less then their lesser yakkers. Nice that they skipped falling back on this being a “hard hitting” game, though they did talk too much about the Steelers offensive line wearing out the Jets. But it, along with “rookie” Roethlisberger comments, were their talking points before the game—and they stuck with them.

Someone should tell the players and the NFL that “win or go home,” is a line that was played out at least a few seasons ago.

1/15/05

1/14/05--Law and Order, TNT/TBS/wherever
SpongeBob SquarePants, Nickelodeon

Do kids look at grownups watching SpongeBob with as much incredulity as adults have looking at tots watching Barney? I was giddy during most of the show. I didn’t even experience a fart joke; but it’s a silly, jejeune show, full of puerile humor. And I certainly could use more of it.

I’ve heard that SpongeBob does great with the “stoner” demographic. Guess if I like SB, I’m part of it; at least it means that I’m a Bugs Bunny fan. The show is absurd and good-natured, and even though the stories are usually pretty straightforward minor morality plays, they have so much fun getting to the conclusion that it’s hard to hate the fact that the message is obvious.

In the half hour, we got two little episodes. Bugs and crew would have given us four. In the first, SpongeBob was humiliated in front of the restaurant patrons because his grandmother kissed him outside the Krusty Krab. He resolved to be a grownup and did so with Patrick’s help. Patrick said the way you become an adult is 1. Puff up your chest. 2. Say “tax exemption.” 3. Cultivate a taste for free-form jazz. SpongeBob pulled out sideburns for him and Patrick and he went to confront his grandmother, who naturally made him want to be a child again. Who would say no to cookies and napping and presents when being an adult means no cookies and getting a gift of unwrapped office supplies?

In the second episode, Squidward got sick of being near SpongeBob because SpongeBob and Patrick wrecked his home with their reefblowers, so he went to a gated community of squids. Naturally, they were just like him. At first, it felt like paradise, because he could ride his bicycle, get canned bread, do interpretive dance, and play in a clarinet quartet. As the days wore on, it got less and less enjoyable. Finally, despondent, he sat on a park bench to contemplate. And he saw a reefblower nearby. He pulled a SpongeBob and drove his neighbors crazy. Meanwhile SpongeBob and Patrick try to visit and bring an apology cake as a gift. Chaos ensues, but our dynamic duo can’t find their crotchety friend because they can’t tell him apart from the other squids and Squidward uses the reefblower to jettison himself from the community.


Law and Order

Haven’t watched Law and Order in ages. I seem to remember that in the early days, the cops followed some leads that went nowhere and the prosecutor occasionally got it wrong and the decisions sometimes didn’t go his way. Maybe I was just watching through a rose-tinted monitor.

Whenever I’ve caught some of the “new” L & O’s over the past several years, it has seemed that there are fewer dead ends and fewer losses, and the story hinges on some twist in the defense.

This one, about an accidental death of a medical researcher due to a criminal act of an animal-rights activist was surprisingly without twists, though Briscoe and Green didn’t run into any dead ends.

01/13/05

1/1305—Tilt, ESPN
Sports Center, ESPN

Tilt

Young, good looking turks take on the machine. It's an old set-up, but a solid one. Threesomes have a little danger in them, especially when one is an impatient yet charming whitey, smooth yet charming black guy (you know he’s cool because of the shaved head), and a knowing blonde chick. And the machine is run by a Las Vegas casino owner, with his pal, the super duper card player Matador, as the seemingly clean front man. And Matador is tough and cool, because he’s played by Michael Madsen. The creases in his face can have more chops than the cast of a daytime soap opera.

Madsen is one of those actors who supposedly says a lot by saying a little.

One look

and

you know.

You know?

He’s about the slow reply, the pause, the look that he will throttle you if necessary—though that just might be the camera angle. And here he is, The Matador, sleazy and cool, winning all the hands with the help of his henchman and his casino owner pal. He’s afraid of being found out, though the fear never registers. Even the anger doesn’t entirely register; he’s more into that smoldering thing.

But more to the set up, as this was the series premiere. The main characters are sitting around a poker table, and the two guys get into a discussion about Clark’s (the black guy) sweatsuit. He says, “it’s aubergine.” Eddie (the white guy) says, “it’s more eggplant.” And Clark attacks Eddie. Supposed to be a good show, though I found myself wondering if most people today know it as a racial slight. Whatever.

We’re supposed to see that the key threesome has some tensions to work out, and that these tensions are going to make the show as much as the conflict with the big baddies and the third plot of the off-duty cop trying to bring down the big house. But the tensions are too obvious, and don’t seem to go deep enough, and the characters are so clearly good looking, so clearly a notch above the people they’re trying to infiltrate, that it’s a wonder they hadn’t been spotted even before the first episode was over.

On the good side, it’s dark, there seem to be few plot advancement eunuchs (spotted one, working for the guys, got his leg badly broken by the matador at the end of the first episode), and the corruption is everywhere. The third plot, that off the off-duty cop bent on avenging his brother, has the most potential, but I don’t know how much time the show will spend on him. He’s not much to look at and doesn’t have a way with words.

Except that ESPN has a sports hole to fill, I wouldn’t see this show going anywhere.


Sports Center

This episode of Sports Center demonstrates the hole ESPN needs to fill. This was a slow sports night. They teased out as many segments as they could, incessantly ran previews and recaps, and updated us as to the condition of Kobe Bryant’s ankle—which was sprained during the evening’s Lakers’-Cav’s game--at least five times during the hour. Yasir Arafat didn’t merit that much news attention when he was dying.

1/11/05

1/11/05—The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Bravo

Would the Fab Five approve of a clip show? It shouts “we’re cheap!” But it is practical recycling and gives extra screen time to a fun bunch of guys who can’t get enough of themselves. And you can always learn something new from something old, so long as it doesn’t smell. Clip show? Definitely. More time to sip cocktails and riff on style without the heavy work of changing some clueless het’s life. One can break a sweat, stain clothes, and waste perfectly good product. Smegma-sniffing ain’t easy work girls.

Clip shows have become the end of season signal staple. Let’s recap, shall we? Why bother creating a contrived plot or an extravaganza where Dr. Phil interviews the changelings six months later to see if the results were transformation traumatization. Let’s just see Carson, Jai, Kyan, Ted, and Thom being their dishy best.

I like that every queer guy has a purpose on this show. They don’t need a host to look good and segue when every staple character is sufficiently out to speak for himself. If Paige Davis had a skill other than perk, Trading Spaces would be much better. Carson seems to dominate the Fab Five, but it could be because the producers see him as the queen bee, the queerest of them all.

And at least this show doesn’t hide the fact that the show is about the staple characters more than its about the transformation. Sure, they did a tremendous job with the toupee-wearing dad, but some of their fashion suggestions were kind of gay...lame perhaps?

Speaking of lame, I’m not sure how Queer Eye for the Straight Girl could work. Dyke Eye would have been more interesting, and works with the Queer Eye premise. Not that there’s a prejudice against dyke style or anything—and they do have the token same-sex female on the show. But the little I saw indicates that she's not taking up time the way her Queer Guys do.

01/09/05

1/09/05—Steve Harvey’s Big Time, WB
Fatherhood, Nickelodeon
The Cosby Show, Nickelodeon

Seems like Ol’ Steve has been coasting on his laurels lately. Don’t know what those laurels were. He was pretty lame on his own show, The Steve Harvey Show. He was the comic with the least on The Original Kings of Comedy film. In both cases, he was shown up by his ostensible sidekick, Cedric The Entertainer. It’s like Steve’s shtik is anti-shtik, if being an uptight hardass in a baaad suit without a good comeback is shtik. Unfunny everyman on stage.

One would have hoped that mc’ing a 'stupid (put something here) tricks' show would be easy for a stand-up comic who hosted Showtime At the Apollo. The concept is as old as the circus; throw in the freaks. It should be easy to work with.

A six-year old national yo-yo champ got the better of him. Don’t know if the champ is that little, but Harvey seemed surprised when the tot showed up on stage. Wasn’t Steve aware that the kid was the Under-10 national champion? Steve acted as if the guy Harvey wasn’t satisfied with getting the kid to say stuff, he had to figure out his own bit to add humor to a tot dancing with a yo-yo. And he didn’t do it well.

After a commercial break, he brought out Chuck Harris (http://www.stim.com/Stim-x/0596May/Trender/freaks.html), manager of weird acts. He manages Mr. Methane (http://www.mrmethane.com/) and The Great Regurgitator. Sadly, neither was going to appear, though Harvey acted surprised by the descriptions of the acts. It’s just as well; Stevee probably wouldn’t know what to do with them.

Is there anything funny to say about a guy who plays songs on his teeth? Steve couldn’t find it when the guy did the William Tell Overture. And he only could manage to do the typical guy “don’t touch me, man” jokes when Frank Simon came on. Frank is the guy who balances stoves on his mouth—he’s on the M&M candy bar commercial—but he also is gregarious in an old-school kind of way. He smiles, hugs, shakes hands enthusiastically, asks the audience for a shout-out. And, of course, he does balance the stove on his mouth. But to show that he can do more things, he also balanced a 3” doll on his nose. Skilled.

The one guy who got Steve going was The Rubber Boy (http://www.therubberboy.com/). Daniel Browning Smith was freaky to Steve when he pushed himself out of a small case, but Harvey was apoplectic when the guy was able to stick his head beneath his legs and got his mouth close enough to lick his balls. Harvey loved it. Could die now, wouldn’t need women, etc. Yawn.

The sad thing is that despite the set-ups and the faux-square persona Harvey puts on, it’s got to be a fake. He’s in on the choosing of the acts and must know exactly what’s going to happen before it happens. Yet, there he is, as flummoxed and flatfooted as a Republican at a confirmation hearing. It’s certainly calculated, but I’m at a loss who the calculation is supposed to appeal to. Republican cabinet nominees? Even the people who thought Willard Scott was straight would want more. Steve is presiding over a carnival scene, a televised freak show, and he’s having no fun up there. It would be nice if the guy got a little jiggy with it.


Fatherhood

Never heard of this before. Since it is based on Bill Cosby’s book of the same name, it’s hard not to see a tie-in to The Cosby Show starting after this ends.

It’s original to Nickelodeon. It debuted in 2004. It’s animated. The action concerns the Bindlebeep family; dad, mom, and three spunky kids. Seems like a late start to a show that has such young-kid oriented content. Maybe they’re aiming the show at kids who have parents working and the television funcitons as the babysitter.

Never having read the book, I’m disappointed that it doesn’t possess the humor I remember of Fat Albert. This episode’s story concerns the mother trying to raise capital to buy the book store she’s been working in. She works at a book store, the dad is a high school communications teacher. Cosby has been flashing his credentials as an educator. Can you say message?

I enjoyed the show, even if I could predict the story line. I did like that the dad was for walking with his daughter rather than driving, though it didn’t come off as cool as I would have hoped from The Cos.


The Cosby Show

This is still well after Cosby jumped the shark. Even Rudy isn’t young. The show was another message show. It’s as if Keenan Ivory Wayans character from Don’t Drink Juice... was wandering around saying “message” every minute or two.

Cosby was about to deliver the baby of a woman who had no relatives in New York. He tracks down her grandfather, played by Sammy Davis, Jr. Despite the sub-featherweight build, Sammy is an ex-boxer who seems to be alternately, a bum, a mack daddy, abrasive, smooth, insecure, and self-assured. He doesn’t want to be part of anything, he lies, he then shows up at the hospital and is smooth and charming. He doesn’t want family and he can’t read. But, like any good “message” show, he sticks around, has moments of pride, agrees to learn to read and be part of his great granddaughters life, and impresses Cliff.

Only to further the “message” Rudy tells her sister that if a 67-year old man doesn’t know how to read, she’s wasting her time in fourth grade. Sister says ‘but you won’t be able to get a job,’ Rudy replies, ‘I can teach third grade.’

01/06/05

01/06/05—Life As We Know it, ABC
Roseanne, Nickelodeon


Life As We Know It

“We” are the guys. Sensitive, smart enough, arty, athletic, hunky without being too pretty. There are three of us and we can literally freeze the action so we can comment on what’s going on, but only if it’s kind of, like, important.

Since this is teensploitation television, there have to be three babes who are sensitive, smart enough, arty, athletic, and better looking than us. Kelly Osbourne is with them to make the scene more interesting. Even if she is acting, no one can ignore that kooky back story. Of course, she’s the artiest of all, which makes up for the fact that she’s not conventionally attractive or skinny enough or funny enough for a leading role.

And since we’re guys guys, sex has to be everywhere. Not only are we doing it, but thinking about it, obsessing over it, and never getting a woody at an inopportune moment. We respect virgins; that’s cool, so long as you’re interesting or attractive in a conventional way.

Our parents are doing it. That’s gross. It’s not like we’ve caught them or anything. But the thought is...it’s enough to reverse the blood flow in our favorite member. If you know what I mean.

Life as they know it

It’s not like we’re the Gilmore Girls or anything. We are better-looking. But we’re not as ostentatiously brainy and definitely not hyperactive. We have more girly-fun. And clearly, we’re doing better with the hair and with the guys.

Life as the parents know it

It doesn’t get any easier as you get older. Still worries, still insecurities, still not sure about sex. Our kids say we don’t know anything and there are times we agree. They want us to be parents, not people

The show as the viewers know it

The creators gave it that old college try. The fantasy conceit (stopping action) is a good variation, but they need more. And having Peter Dinklage as the school shrink isn’t enough. The show is well meaning, which isn’t a bad thing, but it only has minor humor to leaven the drama, which is too focused on sex. And the characters themselves aren’t particularly interesting.

Did I mention the teacher who looks younger than her students and had sex with one of the three guys? Not much of a spark there. Don’t know if it was the acting or the writing, but the minor drama fell flat.


Roseanne

Roseanne is still funny in the later episodes, but the rest of the cast has less to do. And Roseanne gets less real looking each subesquent episode I’ve seen. The hair gets darker and her face gets more symmetric, but loses its charm. Still, when she said she got a “woody” just looking at a busty woman who was applying to be a busboy, it was a great guffaw and tied into the Life As We Know It episode earlier in the evening, as one guy was having trouble in that realm.

01/04/05

01/04/05—Gilmore Girls, WB
High School Reunion III, WB
Cribs, MTV

Gilmore Girls

Oh that Lorelai Gilmore! She’s a perky one. So smart, and with neuroses to challenge Woody Allen and references to challenge Dennis Miller. And looks. And such a good parent so young. Why she could pass for 20! She’s the fun one.

And her daughter Rory. Perky, smart, quick-witted, but with a reserve her mom doesn’t possess. She’s the serious one.The two of them must dominate every one they interact.

And they do. Which might be the problem with the show.

It’s a buddy show, but like all dramas, it needs to be focused on the home, even though Rory has sort of, kind of moved out, you know. She’s got that college thing going on, but her grand dad can visit for lunch, and Rory can always hang out with her mom. Wouldn’t want her straying too far. It is a homey show, as most shows are.

I should like the show. Women leading. Smart women leading. Fast-talking smart women. Fast-talking smart women not afraid of being smart. Machine gun dialogue. Speedy references. And kind of hot in a wholesome, girl-next-door kind of way. Lots of natural fibers, with outfits that exclaim style(!), but without being too girly or ostentatious. So many easy chances to make some good screwball humor. And the sidekicks generally keep up with them, though just barely.

Keeping up is an issue. The pacing and style of dialogue whenever Lorelai or Rory are on camera is always the same. Everyone talks like them in their presence. Whether it’s Luke or Lane or the grandparents. Maybe it’s an alpha-female thing. Most of the characters are smarter and wittier in their presence and then slow down to their own pace and style in scenes without the leading ladies.

Another thing that’s a bother is how stagey it gets. With some of the rapid-fire dialogue, you feel as if you’ve come across a set piece. You want to say, ‘such acting! what chops!’ but they happen over and over and over again.

In this episode, Rory is calm, Lorelai is amped, Luke is trying to make sense of it all, and the grandparents are all batty and from another era. In a tiny subplot, Lane is trying to figure out the romance thing, but it’s closer to a homework assignment than anything else. Just like all episodes.

And the dramas they have never seem to have high stakes. Nothing will shake this world. Everything is ok to begin with and the obstacles presented aren’t really challenges, just furniture to move around. Maybe it’s that the music doesn’t do it for me, or the close-ups, but there’s steady pacing pretty much going nowhere and the plot doesn’t really build as the episode moves on. Will Grandma get stuck in her panic room? Would Jodie Foster? Should anyone care?


High School Reunion III

I’m surprised this “reality” concept hasn’t been played out already. Take a bunch of people at least a decade out of high school, let them live in an exotic locale and laze about and reminisce.

Good times they ain’t. I thought everyone hated high school and yet they find people to populate the show and then watch it. My interest in this reality was played out before I left high school.

Who would go on such a show? I wonder if the obvious types are the only who express interest or the producers only express interest in the obvious types. But the show would be lost if people transcended their stereotypes. The Meathead. The Jock. The Head Cheerleader. The Loud Mouth. The Nerds. The Fat Girl. Maybe the producers are hoping that one of them will transcend, that one is no longer an ugly duckling, but a swan.

Not going to happen here. This episode focused largely on the sudden appearance two outsiders from the Cardinal Gibbons High cliques. Merely the mention of their names elicited howls from the people at the house. It’s as if the participants had never read Lord of the Flies. The abusive tune disappeared when the geek, nerd, loser outsiders pull up in a convertible corvette.

People were impressed. They don’t know that the outsiders are really struggling in life; one is unemployed, the other lives with his mother. But the outsiders are given cash to create the facade of being internet millionaires. They outsiders say they’re doing it as payback, and their marks gobble down the bait. People are immediately all over them, particularly the women, because they perceive the wealth.

I don’t know who has it worse, the guys who go on national tv pretending to be millionaires, or the people who like them because they’re millionaires. You get the sense that the characters on the show will blame and mercilessly attack the outsiders if the ruse is found out. And probably much of the audience would, too.

One of the more pathetic things about the show is how ugly the people are. We expect reality tv characters to have a deep well of ugly running at or just below the surface of their personality. The one mitigating factor for most shows is that the “reality” puts the people in totally unreal and ridiculous situations for what seems to be a huge payoff.

The people on HSR3 are ugly and mean just because they’re stuck with people from their own high school. There’s no payoff mentioned. Maybe they get a “hall pass” to get out of the house. Maybe they score with an old flame. But that’s it. And just for the sake of being in a pretty place with people they have a history with, there is all manner of fights started, backs stabbed, and pettiness on display.


Cribs

MTV promises an inside look at the bling lifestyles of their kind of celebrities. It’s just like a celebrity you don’t really care about taking you around his estate.

I was lucky enough to see the estate of Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons and the bachelor pad of Marcellus Wiley.

Russell and Kimora’s house is vast. Indoor pool. Movie theatre, dressing rooms larger than apartments. She was proud of having bought Gianni Versace’s stuff at his estate’s auction. Russell was dry, and Reverend Run was popping up everywhere.

I don’t know what to make of comments about how certainly lux amenities are the key to a successful marriage. Kimora said that separate wings in a bathroom were one such key. Last I checked most people don’t have this feature in their homes. How is this essential again? More likely, it reinforces the separation wealthy people feel from their family.

I did like how Kimora had a fancy giraffe tchotchke because she was called a “Chinky giraffe” as a kid. I liked some of Russell’s dry observations. Kimora said she didn’t let men into her dressing room. Russell noted, “unless they’re gay.” And we find a guy hanging out in her dressing room, a guy who helps pick out her outfits.

Marcelllus at least had some fun at his place. he was happy to point out the fake plants, because he’s a bachelor and travels so much. He also had his office designed like a college dorm room. He even pointed to the books on the bookshelf and said he had only read three of htem, “but knew all the titles.” Reading was for when he retired, which for an NFL star, could be any time.